Traditions and Memories

Thanksgiving is {second only to Mother's Day} the hardest holiday for me since I lost my Mom over 5 years ago.  We always cooked it together....her making her "specialties" and me making mine.  Spending the day in the kitchen.  Together.  Sometimes it was just my family {which is an army unto itself} and sometimes there was extended family.  More food, more family, more fun. 



This is my 6th Thanksgiving without her.  Six years without her amazing cornbread dressing {although I try to duplicate it}, without her "diet" pumpkin pies, without her canned cranberry blob.  I miss making her go sit down so I could clean up her kitchen.  I miss her.  Everything is different now.

My Dad doesn't enjoy the festivities and the extra people in the house, although he does love the pies.  :)  We make the best of that for him.  My extended family.....well, that will never be the same.  And that, too, brings me sadness and feelings of great loss.  

I am thankful for all the wonderful Thanksgiving memories and traditions with my Mom....her vintage crockpot ALWAYS used for the dressing and her white creamer that was for the gravy.

I am thankful for my husband, my Dad, my kids and my ever-expanding family of sons-in-law and grandbabies.  


So, while everything has changed....there are some things that will always be the same, because those things are in my heart.  I will do my very best to fill the shoes of my Mom and make her proud.  I will do my best to carry on the traditions and pass on the memories to my family.

I started writing this blog post a few days ago as I struggled with the thought of another Thanksgiving without Mom.  But, the kids came, the cornbread dressing turned out pretty good, the girls helped me clean up and tummies were filled.  It was a good day and I am thankful.   

God's Plan

There seems to be a lot of mixed opinions about one's destiny.  That you are predestined to be this or that and nothing can change that.  Well, I don't necessarily believe that....at least not how it is typically discussed.

I believe that God has a plan for you and for me.  BUT, He also gave us free will.  So how in the heck does that work?

You have a "destiny" and you end up a drug addict or a murderer or any number of things that aren't necessarily positive.  That was God's destiny for you?  No.  God has amazing plans for you, for me, for everyone.  BUT, it is up to us to listen to God to discern His voice and to trust His leadings.  If you end up on some path that does not glorify Him, it is because you didn't listen to Him and follow His leading. 

Following His plan doesn't mean everything is rosy and perfect and comfortable.  How can you grow with that?  God challenges you sometimes and it can be very uncomfortable, totally out of your comfort zone and not at all how YOU think it should be.  It often "seems" easier to follow your own plan when what He is leading you to do is difficult, but in the end His plan is better than anything you can ever imagine.

I don't claim to be an expert on this, but I do claim to know A LOT about not always listening and following His plan.  I can be pretty independent and "stubborn" (don't tell my husband that), so this is a HUGE learning process for me. 

I am trying really hard to listen....wait....and obey.  
His will, not mine.  His timing, not mine.

Audacious and Fluffy

I am currently studying a book titled "Audacious" by Beth Moore.  It is about learning to love God audaciously.  I love how she writes and I LOVE to listen to her. 

Please bear with me as I give the Merriam-Webster definition....

Audacious \ȯ-dā-shəs\ adjective
  1.a. intrepidly daring: ADVENTUROUS (an audacious mountain climber)
     b. bold (an audacious maneuver)
  2. marked by originality and verve (audacious experiments)
au-da-cious-ly adverb --- au-da-cious-ness noun

Bold.....that's a pretty cool word and kinda scary for this gal!

Today as I was driving into town, I saw a woman in her mid to late 60's mowing her grass.  She had a little "middle aged" fluffiness to her, like some of us and as I passed her I noticed that she was wearing a swimsuit.  It was (thankfully) age appropriate and modest and BRIGHT FLORAL!  There she was mowing her grass, minding her own business, in her own yard, oh...and puffing away on a cigarette as she mowed.  I giggled to myself...no, actually, I giggle out loud.  And I thought "that is so cool!".  And then I said, "No, that is AU-DA-CIOUS!  That is just bold!"  I thought, "I want to be like that.  I want to live and love audaciously".

I have to admit that I care too much about what people think of me.  It's a character defect of mine.  I don't want to be noticed or stand out, but if I'm noticed, I don't want there to be anything that anyone can criticize, make fun of or laugh at....  I'm just THAT insecure with myself.  But this woman....I just wanted to be like her....all fluffy (ok, maybe not puffing on a cigarette), but fluffy, out there in my swimsuit on my lawn tractor and mowing my grass.  No apologies, no worries of others' thoughts... just bold....just me.

This little scenario isn't exactly what this awesome book is talking about, but it (obviously) made an impact on me in a weird way.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be out on my John Deer in my swimsuit (we don't want to frighten the neighbors), but I just need to be... BOLD!  I'm working on it because my nature is to be quiet and blend in, but....
 

God wants me to live and love audiciously!

Just A Few Sweatbands

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to hear an awesome speaker that just spoke to my heart.  The subject of her teachings was geared towards Moms and raising children, but as I have learned over the years, it doesn't matter what the subject is.  You can always find something that can apply to your life whether the subject directly relates to you or not.  There will ALWAYS be small snippets or even big hammers that will speak to you, your life, your circumstances.

One of the most impactive statements from the speaker was that (paraphrased) "if you are blessed to wake up in the morning, it means that God has a purpose for you for that day.  It is then your responsibility to look for and act upon that purpose".  I think there may have been sparks coming from my head when that light bulb went off.  It was an EYE OPENER! 

Now, for quite a while, I have wondered and prayed for what my purpose in life is.  I think that maybe I have an idea, but this "daily" take on my purpose felt different.  It breaks it down for me, and as a detailed person, I need that.  Because, although I may have a specific purpose in life, my daily purpose will, most likely, vary.  To wake up every morning, thank God for another day and pray asking Him what my purpose is for that day.....THAT was huge for me.  Honestly, I have been in that place where every day seemed like just another day driven by the demands of life....work, four kids, cooking, cleaning and on and on.  I remember many days just feeling like "what's the point?".  It was a very depressing and self-defeating process.  I couldn't see the purpose, or rather, I didn't look for the purpose. 

So, yesterday, I woke up, thanked God and prayed for my purpose for today to be revealed.  Well, I can say that there was no post-it note on my mirror with my "assignment".  I just went about my routine, checked my planner and set out to accomplish my "to dos" for the day.  After a very busy weekend with my business, I was still really tired but I had one project that definitely needed to be completed yesterday.  So, I set out to work on 24 special sweatbands.  As I worked on them, I thought about, reminisced and gave thanks for the person that these sweatbands were going to honor.  I cried a lot and giggled some and just felt blessed to have known this person for about 15 years.  When Michael got home from work, we talked about our day like we always do. As I talked about this whole "daily purpose" thing, it hit me.  My purpose yesterday was to make 24 sweatbands to honor a man that gave so much.  THAT'S IT!!  It's a simple thing, but I'm telling you.....IT'S HUGE!

Your daily purpose doesn't have to be grandiose or something that will change the world.  It can be something small, maybe barely noticeable.  One little thing that will, maybe, just maybe, help heal some broken hearts in a small way.  Maybe make going back onto the ball field just a little less painful.

So, give it a try!  I'm only one day in on being more observant in this area, but that one day has already taught me so much......God's perfect purpose for me and me listening to Him.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" 
~Proverbs 19:21 

 

Lustrum

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lus trum

/’ləstrəm/

noun

  A period of five years

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lustrum.  I lost my Mom 4 years and 8 months ago.  The first year, the "20th" of every month hit me like a ton of bricks.  That first year of "firsts" took my breath away.  The first anniversary of losing her.....well, actually, that whole month of August knocked me down.  I spent every day of August posting pictures of her covering her 79 years.  It was my way of coping or, more likely, a way of distracting myself from the grief I have (still) buried.  After all, I had things to do, responsibilities, my Dad to take care of.  I had to be strong.

It never got easier.  Four weddings, birth, successes and failures....all without her.

I began thinking last year that maybe the "sting" was lessening a little.  Then......it was 2016 and I realized that this year is the 5 year anniversary. It hit me, I mean, like a Mack truck!!!  I'm not quite sure why that "marker" is a big deal, but it is.  Lustrum.  Five years without her, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my voice of reason, my Mom.

As I've stated before, I'm not sure I've even fully grieved.  It doesn't feel like I have, but I don't know.  I've never had to do this before.  It feels like there is a suppressed gut level grief just waiting.  But....I have responsibilities, you know.

My heart is, once again, very heavy this year as the days get checked off closer and closer to August.  I spend more time in her "garden" I made beside her potting shed, more time looking for hummingbirds, more time babying her Clematis that she loved (and I thought I killed last year).  And in August, I am making the trip to Wisconsin to "visit" her.  I haven't been there since she was laid to rest.  I haven't seen her bronze marker.  I don't know how I will react, but I DO know that it is something I must do.  Michael is very protective of me and it upsets him to see me cry or upset, but I have already told him that he has to just let me do whatever it is that I do when I get there.  Honestly, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of the grief bottled up and afraid of the floodgates.  I live in her home, surrounded by her every day and I miss her. Every day.  But THIS is going to be different. 

Lustrum... 

An Esther Moment

I struggle.  Sometimes.  A lot.  I wonder about so many things.  I worry about too many things.  I ponder God's plan and purpose for me.  My life, right now, is certainly not how I had "planned" it to be {but then, there is that old saying "We plan, God laughs"}.  It isn't a complaint, it certainly is not a regret.  It is simply a ponder.


I understand and fully accept that, right now, God's plan for me is to take care of my Daddy.  And while I understand His plan, I don't understand His purpose.  The disease of Dementia has consumed my Dad...... my brilliant Dad, a Biblical scholar, the smartest man that I know.  So much knowledge that it would boggle your mind.  Now, he sits and watches TV..... all.  day.  long.  Sometimes he has clarity, but those times are becoming more rare.  So I wonder.  Why has God allowed this disease to steal not only my Dad, but a brilliant, selfless servant of His?  What is the purpose?

But, alas, maybe the purpose is not for my Dad.  He has fought the fight.  He has finished the race.  The master has said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Perhaps, just perhaps, His purpose is for me.  Maybe this journey is for me to learn, to grow, to become selfless.  So, I search and I pray, trying to understand and trying to learn from this possible lesson.  I may not know the answers to my pondering for a long time, if ever, but this one thing gives me strength and courage.....

Letter to Heaven

Dear Mom,

I miss you.  Plain and simple.

It is difficult to think about all the milestones that we have already been through and will be celebrating without you.  Birthdays, weddings, grandbabies.... so many things I have wanted to share with you.  I always want to tell you important things, silly things....EVERYTHING.

It's crazy to think about how things have changed the last 4 1/2 years.  Your home is now my home.  The spot in the living room where you sat is now my spot.  Different chair, same spot.  I'd rather see you sitting there in your chenille robe crocheting your latest project.

I used to talk to you every night at 8:00 after you had gotten Dad settled.  I could set my watch by it.  Sometimes, I would get annoyed because I was tired from a long work day and it seemed like random chit chat to my weary ears.  I would give anything to talk to you now.

I miss your voice mails that said, "Hi, it's your mother...." because I couldn't tell by the caller ID.  There was always an eye roll and a giggle.  Or the fact that you never could figure out how to check whose call you missed on your flip phone, so you would call and ask, "Did you call me?"  And we won't get started on our visit to the Verizon store for a new phone for you.....

You were so full of stories from the past.  Now if I have a question, there is no one to ask.  I should have listened better.

I think of you many times every day.  Some days are full of laughter, some days are full of such sadness.  You STILL impact so many, many people.  There's always a "Mitzi" story to be told when seeing someone that you knew. 

You taught me so much.  You taught me to sew, which is now my passion and my business.  You taught me that I can't treat each of my children exactly the same because they are all individuals and have different needs.  You taught me to remember that when difficult times happen, "it's only temporary" and then you can get through anything.  You taught tough love and unconditional love.  You were always on my side.

You entrusted me with the care of Dad, knowing you would leave us soon.  I listened to your instructions, but I didn't want to hear them because it made the "losing you" a reality.  I wasn't ready, but honestly, I never would be ready.  I had you for almost 51 years, but I will need you for the rest of my life.

You were the strongest woman I have ever known.  I often ask myself, "what would Mitzi do?"  I try, but I will never fill your shoes.  I am my Mother's daughter with sprinklings of my Dad.  For that, I am proud and thankful.

I love you always.

Your daughter,
Linda

Life as an Introvert

I am an introvert.  There it is......in black and white.  I haven't always liked that fact about myself, but I have been this way all of my life.  I am an observer.  I am a thinker and yes, sometimes I think too much and I miss out.

I was the quiet, shy girl in school.  It usually took me a while to make friends.  I moved around a lot, so that didn't help.  I had friends, but not many.  I was okay with that, I suppose, I liked my small circle of friends.  I was that kid in class that usually knew the answer, but rarely raised her hand.  What if, by chance, I was wrong?  And, PLEASE, don't call on me!  Horrors!!!  I guess I felt like I didn't have anything to say worth listening to.  I don't know.  I remember once in high school hearing that someone said that I was stuck up.  What??  I wanted to scream from the top of the football bleachers, "I'm not stuck up!  I'm afraid to talk to you!"

Things got a little better when I started having children.  I finally felt like I had some things in common with other moms.  It became a little easier for me to talk to people that I didn't know very well.  Thirty(something) years later, I am definitely less shy, but I am still fairly quiet.  I have often dreamed of being like that outspoken friend that just tells it like it is and that's that.  Sometimes I am able to do that, but it is usually in regards to something that I'm very passionate about.  I think that I am a very kind person.  That is a good thing, usually.  It has prevented me from being totally honest with people because I don't want to hurt them.  Well, sometimes the truth just hurts and sometimes the truth just needs to be said....kindly.   I know that I would be able to be honest in a kind way....so what is stopping me?  I'll tell you...... I'm afraid that the person wouldn't take it the way I intended it.  Sheesh.  There I go again....afraid.

As I get older (and older), I am trying to find my voice in things that matter.  It's important to me.  There are things within me that I need to get out.  There are times when I don't need to let people run over me because I'm "afraid" to speak up.  

People that are introverts know that they are introverts.  Please don't tell us that we need to talk more.  We don't.  If I make you uncomfortable because I'm too quiet, well, I'm sorry.  You can choose to love me for who I am or you can choose to move along.

So here's to INTROVERTS.  May you understand us and may you love us! 

 

On the Road to Totally Hot Mama

I was re-reading some previous posts of mine and came across the one about "Changes".  Well, let's just say that some of those changes didn't happen exactly how I had envisioned.  I am specifically talking about the health/fitness/diet changes that I referred to.  Believe me, I have tried just about everything - low carb, high carb, WW, rabbit food, even diet pills.  UGH!   I'm not really an exerciser.......honestly, I really just don't like it.  I have joined classes in the past and I have had fun AND benefited from them.  I am not a "join a gym and go" kind of person or a "get a video and do it at home" kind of person.  Nope...it won't happen for longer than a week.  I need structure.  I need a time-designated class to go to - the accountability involved in that motivates me.  But I still have reasons, ok..... excuses right now why I can't join a class.  Wah, wah, wah...

I have struggled with my weight (or at least my own perception of it) most of my adult life.  Up and down, up and down, up and down.  Am I grossly overweight?  No.  I know that most of it is my own poor self-image.....my whole life.  My sweet husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful.  I believe that he sees that.  But when I look in the mirror, it's "GAG"!!  I am not a naturally skinny person and I never will be (thanks, genetics).  I'm what you would call curvy (although that's not the word I use) AND I'm 4'10".  Those two things can sometimes be not so pretty.  So, I struggle, physically and emotionally.
  
My daughter introduced me to a new way of life a while ago.  I put off trying it....for months, although I saw it work beautifully for her.  She let me borrow her book - it sat on my shelf because, well, you know, I'm "too busy" to read right now.  I decided to take it on our trip to San Diego and start reading it on the flight - no laundry staring at me, no sewing project waiting, no distractions.  I read a few chapters and I was ready.  She told me to read the whole book, but I was ready!  She said just start with cutting out a few things and start eating the right kind of breakfasts first (I have always been a breakfast skipper), but I WAS READY!!!  I had to just jump right in and not look back - that's just how I roll.  All or nothing.  All in.  Ready.

32 days ago I started Trim Healthy Mama TM.   We had just gotten in the night before from SD, so I didn't have all the right groceries that I needed, but I just ate what I had that was on plan.  This was on December 9.  After about a week, I thought, "What the heck?  Christmas is coming and I started this now? What was I thinking?"  But remember, I was all in.  I baked no cookies (the first time in my whole adult life, I think), my poor family.  My youngest daughter asked me to make some mashed potatoes for her (because I do make pretty good ones) and I didn't even take a taste to make sure they were perfection.  Not one taste!!!  Our Christmas Eve Breakfast tradition was totally on plan and everyone ate it.  We're talking egg/sausage casserole, bacon and yummy fruit!!!  I was so happy, and pretty proud of myself, for getting through Christmas without cheating.   I am month in with no sugar, so sodas (even diet), no bread (we can all cry about that), no potatoes/rice.  As of today, I am 6 lbs down, and most of that was in the first 10 days.  Normally, I would be about ready to give up at this point when the scale moves sooooo sloooowwwwwllllyyyy.  But my clothes are fitting again and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, physically.  And I know that it will only continue to get better and better.

That's where I'm at right now.   I think about food a lot, but it's usually planning my menu for the day.  I have to do that or it won't work for me.  I'm learning to read labels.  I am enjoying food that I have avoided in the past.  Only a month in and the sight or even the thought of some of the fast food that I see on TV make me sick to my stomach.  I hope that two years from now when I re-read this post, that I'm not writing about starting AGAIN!  The exercise part?  Well, you know, maybe when it gets warmer and I'll start walking......hahahahaha

Who am I?

Who am I?  I am a woman, wife, mom, grandma, daughter and sister.  I am 55 years old (I'm not sure how that happened).  But, really, who am I?

Who am I?  Who have I been? Who do I want to be?  Have I been who I really am?  Have I been my Authentic Self?  These questions have occupied my mind for several months now, begging for answers, taunting me to be true to who I really am, challenging me to find my authentic self.

Let's start with what I know..... I have always been that quiet, shy, insecure girl, afraid that no one would like me, certain that no one would notice me.  I have felt invisible most of my life, unmemorable....even now.  I am smart, but not very assertive.  I have my beliefs, opinions and values, but I don't always speak up.  Afraid of confrontation, afraid of not being accepted.  I need to find my voice and speak my mind.  Not in a mean way (because that isn't me), not forceful, just confident and honest.  These are just a few of my self-observations over the past several months.

So, that is my journey beginning today, January 1, 2016.  No silly resolutions, just a journey.  A soul-searching, life-changing, be honest with myself journey.