I am an introvert. There it is......in black and white. I haven't always liked that fact about myself, but I have been this way all of my life. I am an observer. I am a thinker and yes, sometimes I think too much and I miss out.
I was the quiet, shy girl in school. It usually took me a while to make friends. I moved around a lot, so that didn't help. I had friends, but not many. I was okay with that, I suppose, I liked my small circle of friends. I was that kid in class that usually knew the answer, but rarely raised her hand. What if, by chance, I was wrong? And, PLEASE, don't call on me! Horrors!!! I guess I felt like I didn't have anything to say worth listening to. I don't know. I remember once in high school hearing that someone said that I was stuck up. What?? I wanted to scream from the top of the football bleachers, "I'm not stuck up! I'm afraid to talk to you!"
Things got a little better when I started having children. I finally felt like I had some things in common with other moms. It became a little easier for me to talk to people that I didn't know very well. Thirty(something) years later, I am definitely less shy, but I am still fairly quiet. I have often dreamed of being like that outspoken friend that just tells it like it is and that's that. Sometimes I am able to do that, but it is usually in regards to something that I'm very passionate about. I think that I am a very kind person. That is a good thing, usually. It has prevented me from being totally honest with people because I don't want to hurt them. Well, sometimes the truth just hurts and sometimes the truth just needs to be said....kindly. I know that I would be able to be honest in a kind way....so what is stopping me? I'll tell you...... I'm afraid that the person wouldn't take it the way I intended it. Sheesh. There I go again....afraid.
As I get older (and older), I am trying to find my voice in things that matter. It's important to me. There are things within me that I need to get out. There are times when I don't need to let people run over me because I'm "afraid" to speak up.
People that are introverts know that they are introverts. Please don't tell us that we need to talk more. We don't. If I make you uncomfortable because I'm too quiet, well, I'm sorry. You can choose to love me for who I am or you can choose to move along.
So here's to INTROVERTS. May you understand us and may you love us!
I was re-reading some previous posts of mine and came across the one about "Changes". Well, let's just say that some of those changes didn't happen exactly how I had envisioned. I am specifically talking about the health/fitness/diet changes that I referred to. Believe me, I have tried just about everything - low carb, high carb, WW, rabbit food, even diet pills. UGH! I'm not really an exerciser.......honestly, I really just don't like it. I have joined classes in the past and I have had fun AND benefited from them. I am not a "join a gym and go" kind of person or a "get a video and do it at home" kind of person. Nope...it won't happen for longer than a week. I need structure. I need a time-designated class to go to - the accountability involved in that motivates me. But I still have reasons, ok..... excuses right now why I can't join a class. Wah, wah, wah...
I have struggled with my weight (or at least my own perception of it) most of my adult life. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Am I grossly overweight? No. I know that most of it is my own poor self-image.....my whole life. My sweet husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful. I believe that he sees that. But when I look in the mirror, it's "GAG"!! I am not a naturally skinny person and I never will be (thanks, genetics). I'm what you would call curvy (although that's not the word I use) AND I'm 4'10". Those two things can sometimes be not so pretty. So, I struggle, physically and emotionally.
My daughter introduced me to a new way of life a while ago. I put off trying it....for months, although I saw it work beautifully for her. She let me borrow her book - it sat on my shelf because, well, you know, I'm "too busy" to read right now. I decided to take it on our trip to San Diego and start reading it on the flight - no laundry staring at me, no sewing project waiting, no distractions. I read a few chapters and I was ready. She told me to read the whole book, but I was ready! She said just start with cutting out a few things and start eating the right kind of breakfasts first (I have always been a breakfast skipper), but I WAS READY!!! I had to just jump right in and not look back - that's just how I roll. All or nothing. All in. Ready.
32 days ago I started Trim Healthy Mama TM. We had just gotten in the night before from SD, so I didn't have all the right groceries that I needed, but I just ate what I had that was on plan. This was on December 9. After about a week, I thought, "What the heck? Christmas is coming and I started this now? What was I thinking?" But remember, I was all in. I baked no cookies (the first time in my whole adult life, I think), my poor family. My youngest daughter asked me to make some mashed potatoes for her (because I do make pretty good ones) and I didn't even take a taste to make sure they were perfection. Not one taste!!! Our Christmas Eve Breakfast tradition was totally on plan and everyone ate it. We're talking egg/sausage casserole, bacon and yummy fruit!!! I was so happy, and pretty proud of myself, for getting through Christmas without cheating. I am month in with no sugar, so sodas (even diet), no bread (we can all cry about that), no potatoes/rice. As of today, I am 6 lbs down, and most of that was in the first 10 days. Normally, I would be about ready to give up at this point when the scale moves sooooo sloooowwwwwllllyyyy. But my clothes are fitting again and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, physically. And I know that it will only continue to get better and better.
That's where I'm at right now. I think about food a lot, but it's usually planning my menu for the day. I have to do that or it won't work for me. I'm learning to read labels. I am enjoying food that I have avoided in the past. Only a month in and the sight or even the thought of some of the fast food that I see on TV make me sick to my stomach. I hope that two years from now when I re-read this post, that I'm not writing about starting AGAIN! The exercise part? Well, you know, maybe when it gets warmer and I'll start walking......hahahahaha
Who am I? I am a woman, wife, mom, grandma, daughter and sister. I am 55 years old (I'm not sure how that happened). But, really, who am I?
Who am I? Who have I been? Who do I want to be? Have I been who I really am? Have I been my Authentic Self? These questions have occupied my mind for several months now, begging for answers, taunting me to be true to who I really am, challenging me to find my authentic self.
Let's start with what I know..... I have always been that quiet, shy, insecure girl, afraid that no one would like me, certain that no one would notice me. I have felt invisible most of my life, unmemorable....even now. I am smart, but not very assertive. I have my beliefs, opinions and values, but I don't always speak up. Afraid of confrontation, afraid of not being accepted. I need to find my voice and speak my mind. Not in a mean way (because that isn't me), not forceful, just confident and honest. These are just a few of my self-observations over the past several months.
So, that is my journey beginning today, January 1, 2016. No silly resolutions, just a journey. A soul-searching, life-changing, be honest with myself journey.
