PINK CHUCKS

"Mimi, we match!"  There isn't anything more precious to my ears than hearing that sweet little 3-year old voice say "hey Mimi".  It is the music that my heart needs right now.

As I stood toe-to-toe with my granddaughter in our matching pink chucks, I was struck with a sobering thought.  These little toddler chucks are following these {slightly bigger} Mimi chucks in a way that I don't always realize.  She's at that age when she hears everything you say {okay, maybe sometimes selective} and she watches everything you do.  She crosses her legs like you do.  When you're driving and you slow down a little, she'll say "go people".  When she thinks you aren't watching, she "works" as she talks on her pink phone and writes on her notepad.  She wants to be where you are and do what you do.

She is watching.  And, she is learning.  She's learning how to treat others.  She's learning how to react when she gets mad.  She's learning how to be distracted by phones or TV.  She's learning how to love Jesus.  She is learning, even when we don't realize that we are teaching. 

I want my pink chucks to be worthy of her following me.  I don't ever want to lead her astray because I didn't realize she was watching.  It's a scary responsibility.  I'm more aware of it as a grandma than I was as a mom.  Four kids and I was thankful to get out of the house with real clothes on {not even kidding}.  My kids all turned out great, so I'm thankful for God's grace. 

I pray that God will use me to teach her and the rest of my grandbabies.  I think that silly picture that I took of our matching shoes will stay with me for the rest of my life as a reminder.  I will always pray for pink chucks. 

Traditions and Memories

Thanksgiving is {second only to Mother's Day} the hardest holiday for me since I lost my Mom over 5 years ago.  We always cooked it together....her making her "specialties" and me making mine.  Spending the day in the kitchen.  Together.  Sometimes it was just my family {which is an army unto itself} and sometimes there was extended family.  More food, more family, more fun. 



This is my 6th Thanksgiving without her.  Six years without her amazing cornbread dressing {although I try to duplicate it}, without her "diet" pumpkin pies, without her canned cranberry blob.  I miss making her go sit down so I could clean up her kitchen.  I miss her.  Everything is different now.

My Dad doesn't enjoy the festivities and the extra people in the house, although he does love the pies.  :)  We make the best of that for him.  My extended family.....well, that will never be the same.  And that, too, brings me sadness and feelings of great loss.  

I am thankful for all the wonderful Thanksgiving memories and traditions with my Mom....her vintage crockpot ALWAYS used for the dressing and her white creamer that was for the gravy.

I am thankful for my husband, my Dad, my kids and my ever-expanding family of sons-in-law and grandbabies.  


So, while everything has changed....there are some things that will always be the same, because those things are in my heart.  I will do my very best to fill the shoes of my Mom and make her proud.  I will do my best to carry on the traditions and pass on the memories to my family.

I started writing this blog post a few days ago as I struggled with the thought of another Thanksgiving without Mom.  But, the kids came, the cornbread dressing turned out pretty good, the girls helped me clean up and tummies were filled.  It was a good day and I am thankful.   

God's Plan

There seems to be a lot of mixed opinions about one's destiny.  That you are predestined to be this or that and nothing can change that.  Well, I don't necessarily believe that....at least not how it is typically discussed.

I believe that God has a plan for you and for me.  BUT, He also gave us free will.  So how in the heck does that work?

You have a "destiny" and you end up a drug addict or a murderer or any number of things that aren't necessarily positive.  That was God's destiny for you?  No.  God has amazing plans for you, for me, for everyone.  BUT, it is up to us to listen to God to discern His voice and to trust His leadings.  If you end up on some path that does not glorify Him, it is because you didn't listen to Him and follow His leading. 

Following His plan doesn't mean everything is rosy and perfect and comfortable.  How can you grow with that?  God challenges you sometimes and it can be very uncomfortable, totally out of your comfort zone and not at all how YOU think it should be.  It often "seems" easier to follow your own plan when what He is leading you to do is difficult, but in the end His plan is better than anything you can ever imagine.

I don't claim to be an expert on this, but I do claim to know A LOT about not always listening and following His plan.  I can be pretty independent and "stubborn" (don't tell my husband that), so this is a HUGE learning process for me. 

I am trying really hard to listen....wait....and obey.  
His will, not mine.  His timing, not mine.

Audacious and Fluffy

I am currently studying a book titled "Audacious" by Beth Moore.  It is about learning to love God audaciously.  I love how she writes and I LOVE to listen to her. 

Please bear with me as I give the Merriam-Webster definition....

Audacious \ȯ-dā-shəs\ adjective
  1.a. intrepidly daring: ADVENTUROUS (an audacious mountain climber)
     b. bold (an audacious maneuver)
  2. marked by originality and verve (audacious experiments)
au-da-cious-ly adverb --- au-da-cious-ness noun

Bold.....that's a pretty cool word and kinda scary for this gal!

Today as I was driving into town, I saw a woman in her mid to late 60's mowing her grass.  She had a little "middle aged" fluffiness to her, like some of us and as I passed her I noticed that she was wearing a swimsuit.  It was (thankfully) age appropriate and modest and BRIGHT FLORAL!  There she was mowing her grass, minding her own business, in her own yard, oh...and puffing away on a cigarette as she mowed.  I giggled to myself...no, actually, I giggle out loud.  And I thought "that is so cool!".  And then I said, "No, that is AU-DA-CIOUS!  That is just bold!"  I thought, "I want to be like that.  I want to live and love audaciously".

I have to admit that I care too much about what people think of me.  It's a character defect of mine.  I don't want to be noticed or stand out, but if I'm noticed, I don't want there to be anything that anyone can criticize, make fun of or laugh at....  I'm just THAT insecure with myself.  But this woman....I just wanted to be like her....all fluffy (ok, maybe not puffing on a cigarette), but fluffy, out there in my swimsuit on my lawn tractor and mowing my grass.  No apologies, no worries of others' thoughts... just bold....just me.

This little scenario isn't exactly what this awesome book is talking about, but it (obviously) made an impact on me in a weird way.  I'm not saying that I'm going to be out on my John Deer in my swimsuit (we don't want to frighten the neighbors), but I just need to be... BOLD!  I'm working on it because my nature is to be quiet and blend in, but....
 

God wants me to live and love audiciously!

Just A Few Sweatbands

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to hear an awesome speaker that just spoke to my heart.  The subject of her teachings was geared towards Moms and raising children, but as I have learned over the years, it doesn't matter what the subject is.  You can always find something that can apply to your life whether the subject directly relates to you or not.  There will ALWAYS be small snippets or even big hammers that will speak to you, your life, your circumstances.

One of the most impactive statements from the speaker was that (paraphrased) "if you are blessed to wake up in the morning, it means that God has a purpose for you for that day.  It is then your responsibility to look for and act upon that purpose".  I think there may have been sparks coming from my head when that light bulb went off.  It was an EYE OPENER! 

Now, for quite a while, I have wondered and prayed for what my purpose in life is.  I think that maybe I have an idea, but this "daily" take on my purpose felt different.  It breaks it down for me, and as a detailed person, I need that.  Because, although I may have a specific purpose in life, my daily purpose will, most likely, vary.  To wake up every morning, thank God for another day and pray asking Him what my purpose is for that day.....THAT was huge for me.  Honestly, I have been in that place where every day seemed like just another day driven by the demands of life....work, four kids, cooking, cleaning and on and on.  I remember many days just feeling like "what's the point?".  It was a very depressing and self-defeating process.  I couldn't see the purpose, or rather, I didn't look for the purpose. 

So, yesterday, I woke up, thanked God and prayed for my purpose for today to be revealed.  Well, I can say that there was no post-it note on my mirror with my "assignment".  I just went about my routine, checked my planner and set out to accomplish my "to dos" for the day.  After a very busy weekend with my business, I was still really tired but I had one project that definitely needed to be completed yesterday.  So, I set out to work on 24 special sweatbands.  As I worked on them, I thought about, reminisced and gave thanks for the person that these sweatbands were going to honor.  I cried a lot and giggled some and just felt blessed to have known this person for about 15 years.  When Michael got home from work, we talked about our day like we always do. As I talked about this whole "daily purpose" thing, it hit me.  My purpose yesterday was to make 24 sweatbands to honor a man that gave so much.  THAT'S IT!!  It's a simple thing, but I'm telling you.....IT'S HUGE!

Your daily purpose doesn't have to be grandiose or something that will change the world.  It can be something small, maybe barely noticeable.  One little thing that will, maybe, just maybe, help heal some broken hearts in a small way.  Maybe make going back onto the ball field just a little less painful.

So, give it a try!  I'm only one day in on being more observant in this area, but that one day has already taught me so much......God's perfect purpose for me and me listening to Him.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" 
~Proverbs 19:21 

 

Lustrum

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lus trum

/’ləstrəm/

noun

  A period of five years

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lustrum.  I lost my Mom 4 years and 8 months ago.  The first year, the "20th" of every month hit me like a ton of bricks.  That first year of "firsts" took my breath away.  The first anniversary of losing her.....well, actually, that whole month of August knocked me down.  I spent every day of August posting pictures of her covering her 79 years.  It was my way of coping or, more likely, a way of distracting myself from the grief I have (still) buried.  After all, I had things to do, responsibilities, my Dad to take care of.  I had to be strong.

It never got easier.  Four weddings, birth, successes and failures....all without her.

I began thinking last year that maybe the "sting" was lessening a little.  Then......it was 2016 and I realized that this year is the 5 year anniversary. It hit me, I mean, like a Mack truck!!!  I'm not quite sure why that "marker" is a big deal, but it is.  Lustrum.  Five years without her, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my voice of reason, my Mom.

As I've stated before, I'm not sure I've even fully grieved.  It doesn't feel like I have, but I don't know.  I've never had to do this before.  It feels like there is a suppressed gut level grief just waiting.  But....I have responsibilities, you know.

My heart is, once again, very heavy this year as the days get checked off closer and closer to August.  I spend more time in her "garden" I made beside her potting shed, more time looking for hummingbirds, more time babying her Clematis that she loved (and I thought I killed last year).  And in August, I am making the trip to Wisconsin to "visit" her.  I haven't been there since she was laid to rest.  I haven't seen her bronze marker.  I don't know how I will react, but I DO know that it is something I must do.  Michael is very protective of me and it upsets him to see me cry or upset, but I have already told him that he has to just let me do whatever it is that I do when I get there.  Honestly, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of the grief bottled up and afraid of the floodgates.  I live in her home, surrounded by her every day and I miss her. Every day.  But THIS is going to be different. 

Lustrum... 

An Esther Moment

I struggle.  Sometimes.  A lot.  I wonder about so many things.  I worry about too many things.  I ponder God's plan and purpose for me.  My life, right now, is certainly not how I had "planned" it to be {but then, there is that old saying "We plan, God laughs"}.  It isn't a complaint, it certainly is not a regret.  It is simply a ponder.


I understand and fully accept that, right now, God's plan for me is to take care of my Daddy.  And while I understand His plan, I don't understand His purpose.  The disease of Dementia has consumed my Dad...... my brilliant Dad, a Biblical scholar, the smartest man that I know.  So much knowledge that it would boggle your mind.  Now, he sits and watches TV..... all.  day.  long.  Sometimes he has clarity, but those times are becoming more rare.  So I wonder.  Why has God allowed this disease to steal not only my Dad, but a brilliant, selfless servant of His?  What is the purpose?

But, alas, maybe the purpose is not for my Dad.  He has fought the fight.  He has finished the race.  The master has said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Perhaps, just perhaps, His purpose is for me.  Maybe this journey is for me to learn, to grow, to become selfless.  So, I search and I pray, trying to understand and trying to learn from this possible lesson.  I may not know the answers to my pondering for a long time, if ever, but this one thing gives me strength and courage.....