NO HUMMINGBIRDS

August.....oh, how I hate this month.  The month that I lost the rock of my life, the one that was always there for me for 51 years.  The one that gave me life, that taught me life lessons, that taught me how to be a Mom, that showed me what REAL strength is.  My Mom.

I will never be half the woman that she was.  I've always been pretty strong, but in a more quiet way.  A mixture of my Mom and my Dad.  I am seeing more and more of my Mom come out in me, and that's perfectly okay with me.  She was an awesome woman.  One of a kind.  One not easily forgotten by anyone.

I thought I was doing pretty well this month, and I was......for 7 days.  It hit me yesterday quite unexpectedly.  I thought I was just tired and sore from my workout, but it was more than that.  As the day wore on and I found my tearing up for no apparent reason, I finally realized it.  The hole left in my heart two years ago seemed to bust wide open.  I held it together (sorta), at least in front of others because that's what I do.  I still feel like I haven't really grieved.  Yes, I've cried...... A LOT.  But inside I feel like there is this gut-wrenching need to just lay on the ground and scream and wail and pound the ground.  I thought I would do that last year, but I didn't.  Am I afraid to?  Afraid to let go because I'm always the one trying to hold it together for everyone else?  I need to wail until there's nothing left.  I need to scream LOUDLY and ask, "Why did you take her from me?  I need her more than You do!!"  That part is selfish, I know that.  She fought so hard for so long, never complaining, just kept on taking care of all of us no matter how she felt.  I know she was tired, her poor little body had been through so much.  She NEVER gave up, God just finally told her, "Enough, Mitzi.  Let Me take care of YOU now."  She is whole now, for that I am thankful.  But I miss her so much.  Every. Single. Day.

I haven't seen a single hummingbird this summer.  That's odd.  Why?  Have I not been looking?  Have I been too busy?  Tomorrow I will make sure that all three hummingbird feeders are full and I will be watching.

Eleven more days until the 20th.  Hard days.  Maybe I will be able to get out what has been bottled up for 2 years.  But on that day, I will spend the day just like I did last year.  I will sit in her garden at home, visit the Cancer Center Healing Garden, maybe take a motorcycle ride if it's sunny and DEFINITELY get ice cream............all for Mom.