"GRIEF NEVER ENDS.....

......IT JUST CHANGES SHAPE"

August.  Just the mere mention of this month brings a cloud over me.  It is the month that I lost my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my coach, my strength......my Mom.  

A long time friend told me shortly after my Mom passed that "time will heal".  That isn't comforting - don't say that to people that just lost someone.  That is a lie.  It doesn't.  A sweet friend that lost her daughter on the same day in August (different year) shared this quote with me about grief.  "Grief never ends, it just changes shape."  Boy, did that hit the nail on the head.  

I so dreaded August last year because it marked the one year.  I busied myself with posting pictures of my Mom's life on Facebook every day beginning from her childhood all the way through.   I busied myself in creating her "Memory Garden" so that I would have a place to go sit since she is buried 600 miles away from me.  I busied myself to avoid the grief that I was afraid to let go.   This year as the day approached, I thought maybe that gut-wrenching grief would appear.  It didn't.  I had planned a quiet day and when the day came, it felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. Michael said we would do whatever I wanted.  I knew that I wanted to take a plant to the nurses at the Cancer Center, sit in the Cancer Center Healing Garden and get ice cream (Mom's favorite food of all time).  The rest of the time I just felt lost.  We got through the day with only a few tears, again......my need to stay strong (a trait that I inherited from Mom). 

I know that everyone grieves in their own way and since my Mom was the first person that I ever lost that I was really close to, I'm not sure what "my way" is.  It doesn't feel like I've really grieved yet.  I still feel something deep within me that needs to come out.  The week leading up to Mom's passing was spent by her side in the hospital.  My dad was here, my kids were here, my Michael was here, my brothers and sister in law were here.  I'm the middle child, the only girl, but I felt like I had to be the one to hold it all together and be strong and take care of things.  I think I cried in Michael's arms (I really can't remember), but I don't know if I cried in front of anyone else during that time.  I felt so broken-hearted, so lost......she was my lighthouse and that lamp had gone out.  But I had business to take care of, arrangements to make, Dad to take care of......

Did I grieve?  Maybe a little.  Have I grieved yet?  I don't know.  Her home is now my home and I am surrounded by her every day.  Every. Single. Day.  That is comforting some days and so sad other days.  Some things make me laugh like the collection of bread wrappers I found a few weeks ago....... some things make me cry like the tote bag that still sits in the office, still full of all the things that she took with her that last trip to the hospital.  I can't empty it.  I just can't....not yet.  I'm not even sure what's in it, but probably a nail file, a mint, tissues, notebook, and her embroidery or crocheting that she was working on at the time.  Maybe emptying that bag is what I need to do.  Maybe I will do that before the end of August.  

I take a deep breath now that August 20th is behind me.  I'm ready for Fall.  Fall makes me happy and I'm ready to move to September.  Next year I am going to try to not focus so much on the month of August as "that month".   I know that my emotional state is hard on my family during this month.  Next year maybe I will be able to just try to quietly celebrate Mom for the week and not shut down for the whole month.  I need to learn to not dread August.  

"Grief never ends, it just changes shape".  That is a quote that I believe will change the way that I think. 

NO HUMMINGBIRDS

August.....oh, how I hate this month.  The month that I lost the rock of my life, the one that was always there for me for 51 years.  The one that gave me life, that taught me life lessons, that taught me how to be a Mom, that showed me what REAL strength is.  My Mom.

I will never be half the woman that she was.  I've always been pretty strong, but in a more quiet way.  A mixture of my Mom and my Dad.  I am seeing more and more of my Mom come out in me, and that's perfectly okay with me.  She was an awesome woman.  One of a kind.  One not easily forgotten by anyone.

I thought I was doing pretty well this month, and I was......for 7 days.  It hit me yesterday quite unexpectedly.  I thought I was just tired and sore from my workout, but it was more than that.  As the day wore on and I found my tearing up for no apparent reason, I finally realized it.  The hole left in my heart two years ago seemed to bust wide open.  I held it together (sorta), at least in front of others because that's what I do.  I still feel like I haven't really grieved.  Yes, I've cried...... A LOT.  But inside I feel like there is this gut-wrenching need to just lay on the ground and scream and wail and pound the ground.  I thought I would do that last year, but I didn't.  Am I afraid to?  Afraid to let go because I'm always the one trying to hold it together for everyone else?  I need to wail until there's nothing left.  I need to scream LOUDLY and ask, "Why did you take her from me?  I need her more than You do!!"  That part is selfish, I know that.  She fought so hard for so long, never complaining, just kept on taking care of all of us no matter how she felt.  I know she was tired, her poor little body had been through so much.  She NEVER gave up, God just finally told her, "Enough, Mitzi.  Let Me take care of YOU now."  She is whole now, for that I am thankful.  But I miss her so much.  Every. Single. Day.

I haven't seen a single hummingbird this summer.  That's odd.  Why?  Have I not been looking?  Have I been too busy?  Tomorrow I will make sure that all three hummingbird feeders are full and I will be watching.

Eleven more days until the 20th.  Hard days.  Maybe I will be able to get out what has been bottled up for 2 years.  But on that day, I will spend the day just like I did last year.  I will sit in her garden at home, visit the Cancer Center Healing Garden, maybe take a motorcycle ride if it's sunny and DEFINITELY get ice cream............all for Mom.  

CHANGES COMING!

I began this blog shortly after I turned 50.  SO many things have changed in those last (almost) 3 years.  All of them rocked my world – some for the bad and some for the good.  But I have definitely had some life-changing things happen in every single aspect of my life.  EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. 

Today begins a new start for me.  A realization of sorts, a chance to change, a determination to feel better physically and mentally.  Gone are the days and lies that there are quick fixes for what I need.  There are no “magic pill” or “miracle wrap” for what I need.  I need healthy changes.  I need hard, trash-kicking changes.  I need the physical and mental strength that I believe these things will give me.  I need to do this for me, no one else.  Well, that’s not really true.  I am doing it for myself and all of my loved ones.  I want to feel better.  I want to be around for a really long time and be healthy and active. 

These changes are not going to be easy.  I’m not an unhealthy eater, but I’m not the healthiest eater either.  That changes TODAY!!   I don’t exercise – always with the excuse that I don’t have time.  Those excuses stop TODAY!!  I will be getting my trash kicked tonight as I begin the Crazy Beautiful Fit Camp.  I may not be able to move tomorrow.  I may regret selling that walker yesterday – haha.  I’m excited and quite intimidated by the whole thing.  It’s intense from what I’ve heard and this old lady is going to do it!! 

So, if you see a little blonde lady limping and hobbling around tomorrow…….that’s me.  And I WILL go back on Thursday, no matter how I feel.  I’m gonna do this, just you wait and see.