Typically, I am all about Christmas - the decorating, the entertaining, Christmas songs, shopping for gifts for the ones I love, the twinkling lights, the Ho, Ho, Ho's, the Fa La La's........everything. However, this year is quite different. Yes, I put a tree up and it is really pretty. I decorated a little on the outside of the house to give a little festive look, but there is something missing this year. The twinkle just isn't there for me.
I made it through Thanksgiving, only because I was surrounded by most of my loved ones and I was busy. But a few days after Thanksgiving was over, the funk set in. Everyone went home, everything was quiet once again and I just missed her. I have forced myself to put up minimal Christmas decorations in a home that isn't really mine, the excitement of parties and entertaining isn't there, I can't get in the mood to make all the Christmas stockings, gifts, etc that I wanted to do, I struggle with the every day tasks that should just be second nature to me. I just miss her.
My mom. In 9 days it will be 4 months since she went to heaven. There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't wanted to pick up the phone to ask her something, only to realize that I can't. It's hard every day, but the holidays are proving to be SO hard - almost unbearable. I have to keep it together for my dad and my kids, so I cry in my car as I drive and in my bed in the darkness of the night.
My sweet man will be here for Christmas - our first Christmas morning spent together and I wanted it to be so perfect for us. I worry that I will just be too sad and he won't see the joy that I usually get out of Christmas. I worry about my dad and how he will be - more quiet and withdrawn than usual. Sad and missing the partner that he spent 2/3 of his life with. There isn't any way around the sadness.....I just want a little twinkle.
Just a little.
